All that I was and all that we ever were
by envious-ema
Summary: Who will win in the fight between good vs evil, brother vs brother? And in the end is it even a win? Warnings: WINCEST Sam/Dean ,ANGST, Major Character Death,Violence, mentions of Dean/Castiel oh did I mention Angst? There might be some spoilers for S4!


**Disclaimer:** Supernatural belongs to Eric Kripke and WB/CW etc, I don't own nobody neither do I want to (too much responsibility! LOL!) No Offence intended nor any profit being made! This is FICTION which means it's NOT REAL!

**A/N:** This is my first Wincest piece so please be kind :) this is angst and then some more angst i'm afraid! written as a gift for someone who adores angst! LOL!  
Ooh there are spoilers i'm afraid esp for Season 4.

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**All that I was and all that we ever were**

Sam wondered if he could pinpoint the day he had lost his brother.

Strangely it hadn't been the day Dean went to hell because Sam knew Dean would come back; he didn't know how or why but he knew Dean was going to come back…he _had_ to come back.

Those days were a haze to Sam as if he was constantly drunk; he couldn't remember how one was supposed to live or even breathe when the very reason for being alive was lost. Through the fog of it all he remembered Ruby; trying to get him better, trying so hard for everyone's sake.

Sometimes he hated her so much it hurt physically. It really wasn't her fault she was only telling him what she knew, the _only way_ she knew. And he couldn't stop even knowing what he was doing would not only aggravate his brother but _disappoint_ him.

And then Dean came back and Sam wondered if it was possible to die from too much happiness. But then someone else came as well…an angel named Castiel and Sam wondered if he had lost his brother then.

Sam found it ironic that from the beginning he had been the one so focused on being good and not using his powers for the fear of turning evil while his big brother was all for doing _anything_ to save Sam. But now Dean had seen hell; he'd seen _real evil_ and what it could do to someone. How it could tear someone's soul into so many pieces that it could never be put back together again. Just like a broken mirror the shards of glass just cut too deep to heal.

But the lure of evil was so delicious so strangely satisfying that Sam just couldn't stop. Watching the light dim as the last breaths left someone's body made his mouth water. But even then something hurt and Sam just buried it deep where his soul was suffocating but the darkness in him was rising and it didn't listen to those cries and pleas. He justified himself saying they were only demons and if their host bodies didn't survive after his interrogation it was all for the greater good, to save the fucking world.

He felt his brother withdraw from him as the days wore on, shy away from his touch. More and more secrets stacked up against them creating an ocean of distance between them, what started out as a rift between good and evil became a question of love and humanity. It pitted them against each other; brother versus brother, lovers turning into enemies.

Still Sam hadn't understood how many secrets there were until in a drunken haze he stumbled into Dean's room by accident. He should've guessed something was wrong when Dean insisted on separate rooms but he hadn't wanted to argue…all they did these days were argue.

He took in his brothers golden skin glowing with sweat like a starved man; his back arched in the throes of ecstasy, his lips parted breathing heavily, his eyes full of wonder and bliss. An expression he hadn't seem in his brothers face for so long that the jealousy of someone rather than _Sam_ had put it there had waned.

But what Sam hadn't expected was who was giving Dean such _heavenly_ pleasures; at first he had assumed that it was just some slut his brother had picked up in a bar.

Sam thought the fury he had felt when he saw his brother in _those arms_ looking content and happy for the first time in a long time could only be compared to a volcano waiting to erupt. His brother it seemed had made his choice; he had chosen the angel of the lord, the ultimate _good_ over Sam.

Sam had felt the darkness rise within him and in that moment of fury he had relished it, revered it.

His first victim had been Ruby; poor demon; she had done nothing wrong. It certainly wasn't her fault that he had been so seduced by evil that he had felt the desire for bloodlust that could rival a vampire's. He had felt a vicious satisfaction in her inhumane screams as he skinned her alive before he exorcised her. Sam had found it ironic in her dying moments she had no censure for his action only words of love, "I love you Sam and Dean loves you so much."

Sam had a flash of his brother's content face; face caught up in ecstasy and then thought about his brother nuzzling into Castiel's neck like he was trying to soak up everything of the angel. Sam felt his eyes turn blind in anger and tears '_Love…what a fucking joke_,' was Sam's only coherent thought as he heard her dying _gurgling_ scream.

Sam didn't remember anything after that; he had seen his hands soaked in so much blood; he had seen Ruby's eyes turn completely white against her struck pale skin as if all the blood had drained out of her and judging by the pool of blood resting near his feet it certainly looked like it. Sam couldn't hold it in any longer the pain and revulsion wailed up within him, he had slept there in the pool of blood mixed with tears and his own vomit not caring because Dean would never forgive him for this.

Sam would never hold his brother again, he would never laugh and joke with Dean, they would never go on a hunt together not like they used to anyway and he would never kiss those lips again and yes he might have sex but oh god he would never _make love_ again. Because he hadn't only just lost his brother; he had lost the love of his life.

Staying after that had seemed redundant the shame and guilt was overwhelming for Sam. He had quietly packed his possessions and said goodbye; it hurt more than he cared to admit when Dean didn't stop him or ask where he was going; he had just seemed resigned.

Sam had wondered around for days not knowing what to do; he knew he didn't want to be evil in the sense of mindless killings but he wanted Lilith gone no matter what the price. He wanted the world to be safe not for everyone else but for his brother. So Dean could have the normal _apple pie life_ he's so convinced he didn't want but Sam knew deep down it was exactly what Dean needed.

His mind made up he went in on a Lilith hunt; it was surprising what demons would tell under excruciating torture. And Sam knew how to torture, actually as the months wore on he had became a somewhat connoisseur of torture both physical and mental.

Nearly a year had past before he finally had a lead on Lilith, impressed with him she had summoned him to join her on her crusade to bring about the apocalypse; she had broken 63 seals already. After months of anticipation he had joined her, even helped her brake the 64th seal and then he had come face to face with them…Dean and Castiel and their merry band of angels.

He had kept up with Dean via Booby, who was the only person he had kept in touch with, after he left Dean and Castiel had joined force and started demon hunting. Sam had felt a twist of betrayal that Dean could so easily replace him but knew it was unfair because nobody knew better than him how much he had hurt Dean by what he had done, has done.

The final battle had been quite anti-climactic in Sam's opinion, after years of so much torment it ended so quickly, almost…nonchalantly.

Castiel had done some hocus-pocus crap that had left all the demons including Lilith helpless giving Dean the chance to exorcise Lilith back to hell for eternity.

Then when it was all so quite except for their heavy breathing, the only person he could see was Dean and Sam knew it was finally over.

Sam had known what was coming next before he even felt the knife go through his heart searing his skin. He had seen it in his brother's eyes; a madness, a decision that hadn't been made a spur of the moment but thought over and agonised over for days, months even.

He could've stopped Dean; he could've killed his brother with a blink of his eye but he didn't, he couldn't. Because this was right, this was his time; he had seen too much…done too much for it ever to be ok again.

Sam had always thought dying would hurt but it hadn't, he felt a warm trickle of blood seep through his shirt and saw his brother widen with horror and he had just felt light…free.

Dean had instantly grabbed him and started babbling about hospitals and doctors and sorry over and over again even before Bobby burst through the door saying how much of an idiot Dean was, that Sam had been a double agent; he was the one who had gave Bobby Lilith's location, her weaknesses and finally the exorcism ritual that would kill her.

Sam had to smile as comprehension dawned on his brother face; he had fooled his brother big time, little Sammy had played the ultimate prank and won the war. He said so in his croaked voice making Dean force out a chocking laughter and hug him close to his chest.

Sam thought how _right_ it felt to die in his brother's hand to take his last breath held onto to those arms he had been held so many times before in the same loving, intense manner as if Dean was trying to fuse them so close together that they would became one.

He felt Dean raining kisses everywhere he could reach and knew nothing needed to be said between them, no last words, no goodbye because they _were_ one, heart and soul. Dean could feel his sorrow, love just like he could feel Dean's and as his world blurred on to nothingness his last thought was love and happiness and how it all meant the same as Dean.

So many people had came and went in their lives but in the end it was always them; Sam and Dean, brothers, best friends, lovers, enemies…but through it all _always_ together.

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Thanks so much for reading hope you guys enjoyed this angst-fest! Please take a second and review (con-crits are most welcome as well) **feedback is Love** :)


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